Matters of the heart

I have had a lot going on since the last time I wrote. My life has changed so much in just a matter of a few weeks. I let go of one life and started a new one. I walked out of the only life I had known for the last thirteen years so that I could find out who I was. I didn't know me without him. Who was this person who cared so much about what others thought that she would not only lie to her best friend but to herself about how she truly felt. Since walking away I have found a big piece of what was missing. My heart was just in the wrong place all those years. I hope that the people I hurt will some day forgive me but to find my happiness was worth the wait and the heart ache. I will not cry again or feel lonely again. My life has started once more and this time I will love who the hell ever I want. I will live the life that was meant to be mine. I will be happy. I am happy. Thank you to my heart for showing me the light.

Need Thoughts

I have been sitting around thinking about all my projects. I have made no further progress on any of my projects. I need ideas, somewhere to go, and an outlet. My stories and such have to go somewhere. Maybe I have no talent. Maybe there is nowhere that the story can go. I am being driven mad with hopelessness. I have lost my hope in the future. I cant even manage to keep a blog going. Having a very hard time coming up with ideas for a nothing blog. Losing my mind with nothing to talk about but the fact that I have nothing to talk about.
I have been sleeping very badly. No dreams and weird hours of restlessness. Days spent with a blank mind. What happened to all the lovely fun I had. All the dreams and sleep. This is going to be a short blog for I have found that there is nothing worth talking about. I hope that someday I can find something worthwhile to say. Someday the dreams may start again. The words may move me once more.
Thank you.

Knit Chat

Everyone has something that they like to do when they have nothing to do. I could be asleep but I don't feel it. I have a favorite thing where I like to turn on a move that I have seen a million zillion times and knit. I know that it sounds really weird but it's helpful to chill out. I like to make scarfs for friends and such. There is like nothing else that I know how to make but people seem to like the scarfs that I make so I guess I'll just keep doing it.
That is really all I have to say about that. Which is sad. I am sure.
When I knit I like to watch different movies.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
My Fake Fiance
Raise Your Voice
50 First Dates
27 Dresses
so on and so on
I really like the dramas. Dramas really are the best. If I have seen it alot then it's great for knitting.
I also like to listen to music. I really like the oldies. All kinds. Rock, Pop, Country. I also listen to some new stuff but not alot of it.
It really is just one of those days. I felt like writing but nothing is coming to me. I have had nothing happen to me in so long that I am starting to wonder if I am still living my life or if I am just simply remembering a dream that would put anyone to sleep if they watched it.You should never really wish that things would happen you but I wish that something that I can talk about would happen. I need a topic.
I know that here are not really any people that read this but if anyone has an idea, it would be helpful.
In the mean time,
Poem:
Too many thoughts, Too many words
Cant write them all, But they need a place
Cant stop the wheels turning, Cant stop the heart burning
Where to write the words, How to write the words
Who can write the words, Stop thoughts inside
Stop the fear my rise, Heart beats beat too loud
Sun shines too bright, Days move too fast
Too many words to write, With no time to write them

That is all. Nite.

Back

It has once again been a long time since I last wrote and as always I have no clue what to say. Nothing has changed. Same job, same place, and same problems. The most that I have been doing is reading. Most of the books that I read are young adult novels. I really like the ones about fairies. Some of the authors that I read are: Holly Black, Melissa Marr, Aprilynne Pike, and Carrie Jones ( those are just some of the fairy book authors ). There's something about reading a good book that can change you and your view of the world. There are books that have taught me so many different things. From how to love to how to be a friend. I see goodness and magic in the world because of books. I also see the bad because of them too. You have to have both to have a good story. I hope that some day I can write a book that will make someone feel changed. I'm working on it. I will keep working on it until I feel that it is something to be proud of. In all dreams and hopes, "someday" will happen. I really hope I remember to write again soon. I'm not sure that anyone even reads this but I can, like everything else in my life, hope. Til next time..............

Long Time No Write

I have not written in some time and I fell really bad about it. I don't really like to complain about things, even though that seems like all I do, and everything that has been going on has been one complaint after another. I can hardly think of one nice thing to say. I try very hard at the only job that I could get. I am not looking to stay there forever but I am glad that I could stay there as long as I have and I do hope that I can stay there until I find something else. Most of the people are nice and some of them seem to be okay with my weird personally. I have a very hard time fitting in with people but some of the people that I work with have gone out of their way to make me feel at home. I really hope that they can continue to work there until they find something better for them too.
I moved to a different place. Even if it is in the same town, I hate moving. I have some really heavy things and not so many people to help. There were a few people that showed up they were a big help but too much stuff! I never ever want to move again. Our new apartment is very nice. We are very happy here. My cats love it too. They get to run around so much. Its so cute.
I am working on a story. I am always working on a story. I have been working on stories for years. I can never seem to finish anything. When I was in school, I could come up with anything. I had so many ideas that I couldn't get through the day without writing something down. Now it takes me forever just to come up idea. I haven't been able to finish a story in so long that I am starting to believe that I lost it. I will never give up. I will never stop. I have a story to tell. I may not know what it is but it is there. It will be told.
Lets all hope that the future is bright and that we can all reach the starts that we dream of.
Thank you for your time.

Eyes
Mouth
Closed
Heart
Soul
Opened
Believe
Smile
Trust
Hope
Love
Be
You

Just talking

I have no idea why I haven't been writing. It could have been the lack of internet, but it could also have been that I have been afraid to talk about a few things that have been going on. I am not sure if there are things that I really want to put out there. After thinking about it for some it, I have decided that most of my life is already online so why not put more. I googled myself the other day and found so much about me. I have no clue how it all got there. Now I'm not sure I care. There are no videos, nude pictures, or even any bad stories. Just info that's not even that important.
So live has been going on. I have made some new friends at a new job. I don't really like my job all that much, but being able to work with some of the people that are there, makes it a little easier. I have been thinking a lot about what I want in life. And before people start thinking that I am going to talk about marriage and babies, I will just put out there that I am happy and no amount of either of those things will make my life happier. I would just like a better job. Everyone does. I would like a car that works better. Everyone would. I would like to be smarter. A lot of people would like that too.
I am not different from anyone out there. I just put more out there for people to see. I am okay with it.
My sister is going to have more kids. Cool! The more she has, the less that mom talks to me about having some. Really. I mean it too. That is just sad. Most people would be okay with one or two but not my family. Why is it that people believe that they have to have so many kids. There are so many kids out there that need families because they don't have any. But that is a different rant. I am very happy for my sister. Its going to be hard, but just like the great big sister I have always been, I will be right there to help however I can.
Sometimes I wish that more people would ask me for help, but hardly anyone does. Someone told me that it was because no one believes that I can help. I just act like a kid and so no one thinks that I can be helpful. Well, that sucks. I'll have you know that I am great at helping. If I can't help, I will find a way for you to get help. Every person that has ever called themselves my friend (and I happen to agree) becomes my family. You all know who you are. Not every one, but most. I have a big heart and I love to take care of people.
Even if I don't write every day, I am thinking about writing every day. I love to put ideas and words out there.
Time for bed.
Nite nite

clouds

all day i thought about how nothing is the way that i had hoped. i can't think of any reason why other then just the simple fact that sometimes life just doesn't go your way. i know that everyone has things that they want to be doing and some are. when i was younger i wanted to be so much more. i always said that i would be a writer. i would have a best seller and buy a big house and throw lots of parties. i can't even write a blog well. i was sitting up last night and thinking about it and came up with the only thing that makes since. i was never meant to be more then what i am. if i was meant to be something else then i would have talent. i have no talent. there is nothing that i am able to do well. while i was sitting there thinking about it the thought came into my head that maybe i should just stop trying. how can you write a best seller when your nothing. i know that there are people who have done it but that does not mean that we all can. how do you write a story when you can't even be a main character in your own life. i live for everyone but my self. most people write from their lives but when you have no life then what do you write. when you have no imagination left and you suck at writing. how do you tell a story. you can't. there is nothing but for you to admit defeat and move on. this just may be me admitting defeat. there is nothing left. my best stories are the lies that i tell myself to get to tomorrow. i dreamed about being able to stop writing and just move on. it was some what of a sweet dream. i always tell myself that i can do something. even when i know that i can't. raise a glass to the death of a dream and then smile because it was for the better. i know that my friend (who is the only person who reads this blog) will tell me that its fine and whatever i think is right but its kind of sad that even she knows that it is a lost cause. good night dreams. here's to hoping that maybe tomorrow will not have so many clouds.