clouds

all day i thought about how nothing is the way that i had hoped. i can't think of any reason why other then just the simple fact that sometimes life just doesn't go your way. i know that everyone has things that they want to be doing and some are. when i was younger i wanted to be so much more. i always said that i would be a writer. i would have a best seller and buy a big house and throw lots of parties. i can't even write a blog well. i was sitting up last night and thinking about it and came up with the only thing that makes since. i was never meant to be more then what i am. if i was meant to be something else then i would have talent. i have no talent. there is nothing that i am able to do well. while i was sitting there thinking about it the thought came into my head that maybe i should just stop trying. how can you write a best seller when your nothing. i know that there are people who have done it but that does not mean that we all can. how do you write a story when you can't even be a main character in your own life. i live for everyone but my self. most people write from their lives but when you have no life then what do you write. when you have no imagination left and you suck at writing. how do you tell a story. you can't. there is nothing but for you to admit defeat and move on. this just may be me admitting defeat. there is nothing left. my best stories are the lies that i tell myself to get to tomorrow. i dreamed about being able to stop writing and just move on. it was some what of a sweet dream. i always tell myself that i can do something. even when i know that i can't. raise a glass to the death of a dream and then smile because it was for the better. i know that my friend (who is the only person who reads this blog) will tell me that its fine and whatever i think is right but its kind of sad that even she knows that it is a lost cause. good night dreams. here's to hoping that maybe tomorrow will not have so many clouds.

Comments for the day

Sometimes I really do find it hard to believe that I started this blog. I have nothing to say most of the time and what I do have to say, means nothing. I have not written for some time because there has not really been anything to write about. Somethings you must still keep to yourself. What I can say is that there is more crap going on in my life then I would like. Another new job, another move, another head ache. I hate change more then anything. I like to stay in one place and make a home. I know that things change all the time and I do my best to deal with it, but that does not mean that I have to be happy with it. I can take change. I can work around it so that I can still do what needs to be done, but to be happy is one thing that I can not be.
I found that even if I do not like change, I do still like making friends. I talk to people all the time and look forward to meeting new people every day. I do not feel that new people are a bad change. Or even really a change at all. For a new person I do not have to change anything about myself. No one can get that from me. Unless your my boyfriend or best friend. These two people are the only ones that can get a real change out of me. I believe that people are the way that they are. If something new comes up they should just change the way that they look at it. Don't change yourself, just the way that you look at things. It is different even if it doesn't sound that way.
I was listening to a song by Vanessa Carlton ( love her ) and I have found that I use music sometimes to change my mood. If I go to work listening to my favorite song then my day starts off nice. If the last song that I heard was one that I hated then I start work with a dark cloud over head. I think I will listen to my favorite song every day. lol. I have two favorites going right now. "Say You Don't Want It" by One Night Only and "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton. There are more great songs by these two, but these are my favorites. They always make me feel better.
Those are my comments for the day.
Later