clouds

all day i thought about how nothing is the way that i had hoped. i can't think of any reason why other then just the simple fact that sometimes life just doesn't go your way. i know that everyone has things that they want to be doing and some are. when i was younger i wanted to be so much more. i always said that i would be a writer. i would have a best seller and buy a big house and throw lots of parties. i can't even write a blog well. i was sitting up last night and thinking about it and came up with the only thing that makes since. i was never meant to be more then what i am. if i was meant to be something else then i would have talent. i have no talent. there is nothing that i am able to do well. while i was sitting there thinking about it the thought came into my head that maybe i should just stop trying. how can you write a best seller when your nothing. i know that there are people who have done it but that does not mean that we all can. how do you write a story when you can't even be a main character in your own life. i live for everyone but my self. most people write from their lives but when you have no life then what do you write. when you have no imagination left and you suck at writing. how do you tell a story. you can't. there is nothing but for you to admit defeat and move on. this just may be me admitting defeat. there is nothing left. my best stories are the lies that i tell myself to get to tomorrow. i dreamed about being able to stop writing and just move on. it was some what of a sweet dream. i always tell myself that i can do something. even when i know that i can't. raise a glass to the death of a dream and then smile because it was for the better. i know that my friend (who is the only person who reads this blog) will tell me that its fine and whatever i think is right but its kind of sad that even she knows that it is a lost cause. good night dreams. here's to hoping that maybe tomorrow will not have so many clouds.

Comments for the day

Sometimes I really do find it hard to believe that I started this blog. I have nothing to say most of the time and what I do have to say, means nothing. I have not written for some time because there has not really been anything to write about. Somethings you must still keep to yourself. What I can say is that there is more crap going on in my life then I would like. Another new job, another move, another head ache. I hate change more then anything. I like to stay in one place and make a home. I know that things change all the time and I do my best to deal with it, but that does not mean that I have to be happy with it. I can take change. I can work around it so that I can still do what needs to be done, but to be happy is one thing that I can not be.
I found that even if I do not like change, I do still like making friends. I talk to people all the time and look forward to meeting new people every day. I do not feel that new people are a bad change. Or even really a change at all. For a new person I do not have to change anything about myself. No one can get that from me. Unless your my boyfriend or best friend. These two people are the only ones that can get a real change out of me. I believe that people are the way that they are. If something new comes up they should just change the way that they look at it. Don't change yourself, just the way that you look at things. It is different even if it doesn't sound that way.
I was listening to a song by Vanessa Carlton ( love her ) and I have found that I use music sometimes to change my mood. If I go to work listening to my favorite song then my day starts off nice. If the last song that I heard was one that I hated then I start work with a dark cloud over head. I think I will listen to my favorite song every day. lol. I have two favorites going right now. "Say You Don't Want It" by One Night Only and "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton. There are more great songs by these two, but these are my favorites. They always make me feel better.
Those are my comments for the day.
Later

Remembering the kiss

When you walked toward me on that bright day, I did not know what was going to happen. I did not know that my life would never again be mine alone. That my dreams would come second to yours. That my life would no longer have meaning without you. My heart does not beat until I hear yours beating beside it. I can not take a breath until I know that you have taken yours first. What kind of life have I come to. What have you done to me. I never knew that love could take your soul away, but it replaces it with something much deeper. I lost myself to you, but in return I have been given a much better life. To live for another is pure joy. To have your heart stolen and your body ache is heaven. I would not take that day back for anything in this world. You are my life, my joy, my everything.
I don't know why, but I had to write that down. This is how I feel about the man sleeping beside me. I hope that every person in the world could find a love like mine. My old dreams may be gone, but they have been replaced with much better dreams. Dreams of living a life with the man who has become my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul. I wish every person that I know luck with finding their future dreams. And to those who already have theirs, thank you for showing me how wonderful true love could be.
I have been in love with the same person for so long that I can no longer remember anyone else. There has never been anyone else. My life started and will end with this person. Thank you for giving me the love that I didn't even know was missing until you kissed me.

meaningless dribble

i have been feeling down most days. i dont even care if i spelled the title for the post right and i am not going to put anything in upper case letters. i feel like i both have alot to say and nothing to say at the same time. my last post was just because i had to say something about losing a friend. it hurt me that my long time friend could not talk to me. instead they just cut me off. i have been told that i am a good person and the good friends that i do have i have had for a very long time. i dont know how to deal with having someone tell me that i do more harm then good. i just try. if i do something wrong why cant people talk to me. i can listen. i listen all the time. i am sure that some people will come across this blog and just think that i am some girl that likes to wine. well dont we all? i hear people wine all the time. its fine. if you dont believe that something is fair say something because if you dont then you have no reason to wine. speak people. i will try to write more and i will try to be more up beat. but trying and doing are not the same thing. no one changes overnight. i have spent most of my life trying to change and little by little i have. most of the change has been due to the people around me. i have wonderful friends and even if i just lost one that just means that i was wrong about that person. my heart still hurts and i still have to stop myself from calling and asking but i will get better. getting over is not forgetting. it is just learning to live without even if it hurts to do so. so now that i have said nothing. here is a poem. feel free to hate it. i suck at poems anyway lol.

broken hearted
loved in vain
hands empty
eyes full
tears streaming
smile gone
dark places
missing you
wasted years
secrets shared
souls lost
what now
is tomorrow here
will there be
missing me

and yes that can be a poem lol. its messy but its me. enjoy.

Tears

I will never understand why people do the things that they do or say the things that they say. I really don't believe that someone could just drop another person like their not even human. Friendships are there to share things with each other. If you don't share the good times and the bad then your not friends. There are friends that you don't share a lot with but those are different kinds of friends. I am talking about close friends. The people that are your family. I have friends that are my family but just today I found out that I didn't even have as many as I thought I did. It's hard when you have called someone family for many years but when shit goes down, they find it easier to just drop you. No words shared, no phone call. Just a cold, heartless text. When there are no feelings behind what has happened then that means that there were no feelings to begin with. You shared your life with this person for nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. You learned something. You found a truth inside the lies. Your heart may be broken, but that is just the proof that you still have one. I guess after today, I will just have to be more on guard with my heart. I know now who is there for me and who is not. And if you can't handle being my friend, then I don't need you. My life will be better now. It will take time to fill back up the hole in my heart, but at least I know that I will be whole again. Do you?
Always talk to people. Always give a reason for what you do. People get hurt when you don't. If your heartless then that's fine, but I have a heart. I love all my friends and my family. Trust that I will never leave you to wonder why. Mostly because, I will never leave you. Hugs and kisses to all. Even though I know that there is only friend that follows me. lol. Extra hug for you Sister Kiki!!

The song that I feel like today

Lots of people think of their lives as a soundtrack. Theres a song for every moment. My song today comes from the Glee cast. I know that is very 'teen' of me but some peoples taste in music doesnt grow up. Enjoy!

"What have I done?
I wish I could run away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
To get it right

Can I start again?
With my faith shaken, 'cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
I'll send out a wish and I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh, my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take to get it right?
To get it right"

Just want to talk

Most of the time I never know what to say until its too late. I hate that. Sometimes its not until days later. I look up from what I'm doing and say "shit!". I had just thought of something to say to someone from days before. Most of the time I would love to be able to say something right at that moment but I am so bad with words when it is personal. When I am working I can think of a lot of things to say but thats work and its different for everyone. Most people tell me that I should think before I say anything but then they get mad when it takes me a moment. Make up your minds people. I am not a robot that can only do what you want me to do at the moment that you want me to do it. I am a person that is not good with words. If you know me at all then you know this already. I have friends that, just like everything else in life, are better at this then I am. They know who they are. That line of thought always takes me back to the fact that I dont seem to be good at anything. I can work hard and make sure that I am at work on time and sometimes I'm even good at my job but there is really nothing else. I have friends that are good at all the things that people really seem to need: like art, spelling, grammar, reading, writing, math, science, computers, history, or taking care of others. Where is my talent? Where is my "thing" that I should be good at? Doesnt everyone have something? It seems so. I was thinking just the other day about how I keep saying that I want to write. I have always wanted to be a writer. I read books, watch movies, and just think: Why cant I do that? I am starting to believe, something that I really never wanted to, that there are just some people in the world that have nothing. I am sure that if I brought this up with my friend that I would get an ear full but I cant help felling this way. Some people just dont understand what it fells like to have no talent. I have a big binder fill of poems that are just sitting there. I wont do anything with them. I think they all suck. Maybe someday when there is nothing left for me, I will do something with them. That day my never come but until then, I will just talk on here and hope that someone likes what I have to say. If no one does, then thats okay. I am not writing for you anyway. Nothing left. Night!