Happy New Year

So far this year is going much better then the last. I was able to spend the holidays with a loving family that, even though they were not my own, cared for me and cared for my feelings. Never have I felt so welcome in a significant others family's home. No one looked at me badly. No one ignored me. I felt more happiness in one day than I have felt in years. Now I have another safe place that I can call home. I never thought that I could ever be allowed to have this much happiness in my life. My family gets bigger everyday and the more, the merrier. I have someone new that loves me with more feeling than anyone ever has. Everyday I wake up knowing that I'm loved, missed, wanted, cared for, and cared about. There's more that I feel, but for most of my feelings there are no words. I am in love with a very wonderful person and I really couldn't ask for more. I hope that I can bring myself to write more frequently and that I have even more happiness to share. I love you baby. Good-night.

Happy

For some years now, I have woken up in the morning and wondered if I would be happy that day. Most of the time I wouldn't be by the end of the day. I know that there are things that I could have changed to have made the day happy but at the time I couldn't think of them until later. Looking back at the last several years of my life, I am not sure if I even wanted to be happy. I spent a long time wondering if I deserved to be happy. For someone like me the answer was always no. I couldn't be happy in life because I was so unhappy with myself. I wasn't who I knew I was. Now that I can be myself, I think I could really be happy now. I wake up in the morning now and look around with a smile. I now know that I will be happy by the end of the day. Thank you heart! I hope I have more happy to share next time too. Night Night.

Matters of the heart

I have had a lot going on since the last time I wrote. My life has changed so much in just a matter of a few weeks. I let go of one life and started a new one. I walked out of the only life I had known for the last thirteen years so that I could find out who I was. I didn't know me without him. Who was this person who cared so much about what others thought that she would not only lie to her best friend but to herself about how she truly felt. Since walking away I have found a big piece of what was missing. My heart was just in the wrong place all those years. I hope that the people I hurt will some day forgive me but to find my happiness was worth the wait and the heart ache. I will not cry again or feel lonely again. My life has started once more and this time I will love who the hell ever I want. I will live the life that was meant to be mine. I will be happy. I am happy. Thank you to my heart for showing me the light.

Need Thoughts

I have been sitting around thinking about all my projects. I have made no further progress on any of my projects. I need ideas, somewhere to go, and an outlet. My stories and such have to go somewhere. Maybe I have no talent. Maybe there is nowhere that the story can go. I am being driven mad with hopelessness. I have lost my hope in the future. I cant even manage to keep a blog going. Having a very hard time coming up with ideas for a nothing blog. Losing my mind with nothing to talk about but the fact that I have nothing to talk about.
I have been sleeping very badly. No dreams and weird hours of restlessness. Days spent with a blank mind. What happened to all the lovely fun I had. All the dreams and sleep. This is going to be a short blog for I have found that there is nothing worth talking about. I hope that someday I can find something worthwhile to say. Someday the dreams may start again. The words may move me once more.
Thank you.

Knit Chat

Everyone has something that they like to do when they have nothing to do. I could be asleep but I don't feel it. I have a favorite thing where I like to turn on a move that I have seen a million zillion times and knit. I know that it sounds really weird but it's helpful to chill out. I like to make scarfs for friends and such. There is like nothing else that I know how to make but people seem to like the scarfs that I make so I guess I'll just keep doing it.
That is really all I have to say about that. Which is sad. I am sure.
When I knit I like to watch different movies.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
My Fake Fiance
Raise Your Voice
50 First Dates
27 Dresses
so on and so on
I really like the dramas. Dramas really are the best. If I have seen it alot then it's great for knitting.
I also like to listen to music. I really like the oldies. All kinds. Rock, Pop, Country. I also listen to some new stuff but not alot of it.
It really is just one of those days. I felt like writing but nothing is coming to me. I have had nothing happen to me in so long that I am starting to wonder if I am still living my life or if I am just simply remembering a dream that would put anyone to sleep if they watched it.You should never really wish that things would happen you but I wish that something that I can talk about would happen. I need a topic.
I know that here are not really any people that read this but if anyone has an idea, it would be helpful.
In the mean time,
Poem:
Too many thoughts, Too many words
Cant write them all, But they need a place
Cant stop the wheels turning, Cant stop the heart burning
Where to write the words, How to write the words
Who can write the words, Stop thoughts inside
Stop the fear my rise, Heart beats beat too loud
Sun shines too bright, Days move too fast
Too many words to write, With no time to write them

That is all. Nite.

Back

It has once again been a long time since I last wrote and as always I have no clue what to say. Nothing has changed. Same job, same place, and same problems. The most that I have been doing is reading. Most of the books that I read are young adult novels. I really like the ones about fairies. Some of the authors that I read are: Holly Black, Melissa Marr, Aprilynne Pike, and Carrie Jones ( those are just some of the fairy book authors ). There's something about reading a good book that can change you and your view of the world. There are books that have taught me so many different things. From how to love to how to be a friend. I see goodness and magic in the world because of books. I also see the bad because of them too. You have to have both to have a good story. I hope that some day I can write a book that will make someone feel changed. I'm working on it. I will keep working on it until I feel that it is something to be proud of. In all dreams and hopes, "someday" will happen. I really hope I remember to write again soon. I'm not sure that anyone even reads this but I can, like everything else in my life, hope. Til next time..............

Long Time No Write

I have not written in some time and I fell really bad about it. I don't really like to complain about things, even though that seems like all I do, and everything that has been going on has been one complaint after another. I can hardly think of one nice thing to say. I try very hard at the only job that I could get. I am not looking to stay there forever but I am glad that I could stay there as long as I have and I do hope that I can stay there until I find something else. Most of the people are nice and some of them seem to be okay with my weird personally. I have a very hard time fitting in with people but some of the people that I work with have gone out of their way to make me feel at home. I really hope that they can continue to work there until they find something better for them too.
I moved to a different place. Even if it is in the same town, I hate moving. I have some really heavy things and not so many people to help. There were a few people that showed up they were a big help but too much stuff! I never ever want to move again. Our new apartment is very nice. We are very happy here. My cats love it too. They get to run around so much. Its so cute.
I am working on a story. I am always working on a story. I have been working on stories for years. I can never seem to finish anything. When I was in school, I could come up with anything. I had so many ideas that I couldn't get through the day without writing something down. Now it takes me forever just to come up idea. I haven't been able to finish a story in so long that I am starting to believe that I lost it. I will never give up. I will never stop. I have a story to tell. I may not know what it is but it is there. It will be told.
Lets all hope that the future is bright and that we can all reach the starts that we dream of.
Thank you for your time.

Eyes
Mouth
Closed
Heart
Soul
Opened
Believe
Smile
Trust
Hope
Love
Be
You

Just talking

I have no idea why I haven't been writing. It could have been the lack of internet, but it could also have been that I have been afraid to talk about a few things that have been going on. I am not sure if there are things that I really want to put out there. After thinking about it for some it, I have decided that most of my life is already online so why not put more. I googled myself the other day and found so much about me. I have no clue how it all got there. Now I'm not sure I care. There are no videos, nude pictures, or even any bad stories. Just info that's not even that important.
So live has been going on. I have made some new friends at a new job. I don't really like my job all that much, but being able to work with some of the people that are there, makes it a little easier. I have been thinking a lot about what I want in life. And before people start thinking that I am going to talk about marriage and babies, I will just put out there that I am happy and no amount of either of those things will make my life happier. I would just like a better job. Everyone does. I would like a car that works better. Everyone would. I would like to be smarter. A lot of people would like that too.
I am not different from anyone out there. I just put more out there for people to see. I am okay with it.
My sister is going to have more kids. Cool! The more she has, the less that mom talks to me about having some. Really. I mean it too. That is just sad. Most people would be okay with one or two but not my family. Why is it that people believe that they have to have so many kids. There are so many kids out there that need families because they don't have any. But that is a different rant. I am very happy for my sister. Its going to be hard, but just like the great big sister I have always been, I will be right there to help however I can.
Sometimes I wish that more people would ask me for help, but hardly anyone does. Someone told me that it was because no one believes that I can help. I just act like a kid and so no one thinks that I can be helpful. Well, that sucks. I'll have you know that I am great at helping. If I can't help, I will find a way for you to get help. Every person that has ever called themselves my friend (and I happen to agree) becomes my family. You all know who you are. Not every one, but most. I have a big heart and I love to take care of people.
Even if I don't write every day, I am thinking about writing every day. I love to put ideas and words out there.
Time for bed.
Nite nite

clouds

all day i thought about how nothing is the way that i had hoped. i can't think of any reason why other then just the simple fact that sometimes life just doesn't go your way. i know that everyone has things that they want to be doing and some are. when i was younger i wanted to be so much more. i always said that i would be a writer. i would have a best seller and buy a big house and throw lots of parties. i can't even write a blog well. i was sitting up last night and thinking about it and came up with the only thing that makes since. i was never meant to be more then what i am. if i was meant to be something else then i would have talent. i have no talent. there is nothing that i am able to do well. while i was sitting there thinking about it the thought came into my head that maybe i should just stop trying. how can you write a best seller when your nothing. i know that there are people who have done it but that does not mean that we all can. how do you write a story when you can't even be a main character in your own life. i live for everyone but my self. most people write from their lives but when you have no life then what do you write. when you have no imagination left and you suck at writing. how do you tell a story. you can't. there is nothing but for you to admit defeat and move on. this just may be me admitting defeat. there is nothing left. my best stories are the lies that i tell myself to get to tomorrow. i dreamed about being able to stop writing and just move on. it was some what of a sweet dream. i always tell myself that i can do something. even when i know that i can't. raise a glass to the death of a dream and then smile because it was for the better. i know that my friend (who is the only person who reads this blog) will tell me that its fine and whatever i think is right but its kind of sad that even she knows that it is a lost cause. good night dreams. here's to hoping that maybe tomorrow will not have so many clouds.

Comments for the day

Sometimes I really do find it hard to believe that I started this blog. I have nothing to say most of the time and what I do have to say, means nothing. I have not written for some time because there has not really been anything to write about. Somethings you must still keep to yourself. What I can say is that there is more crap going on in my life then I would like. Another new job, another move, another head ache. I hate change more then anything. I like to stay in one place and make a home. I know that things change all the time and I do my best to deal with it, but that does not mean that I have to be happy with it. I can take change. I can work around it so that I can still do what needs to be done, but to be happy is one thing that I can not be.
I found that even if I do not like change, I do still like making friends. I talk to people all the time and look forward to meeting new people every day. I do not feel that new people are a bad change. Or even really a change at all. For a new person I do not have to change anything about myself. No one can get that from me. Unless your my boyfriend or best friend. These two people are the only ones that can get a real change out of me. I believe that people are the way that they are. If something new comes up they should just change the way that they look at it. Don't change yourself, just the way that you look at things. It is different even if it doesn't sound that way.
I was listening to a song by Vanessa Carlton ( love her ) and I have found that I use music sometimes to change my mood. If I go to work listening to my favorite song then my day starts off nice. If the last song that I heard was one that I hated then I start work with a dark cloud over head. I think I will listen to my favorite song every day. lol. I have two favorites going right now. "Say You Don't Want It" by One Night Only and "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton. There are more great songs by these two, but these are my favorites. They always make me feel better.
Those are my comments for the day.
Later

Remembering the kiss

When you walked toward me on that bright day, I did not know what was going to happen. I did not know that my life would never again be mine alone. That my dreams would come second to yours. That my life would no longer have meaning without you. My heart does not beat until I hear yours beating beside it. I can not take a breath until I know that you have taken yours first. What kind of life have I come to. What have you done to me. I never knew that love could take your soul away, but it replaces it with something much deeper. I lost myself to you, but in return I have been given a much better life. To live for another is pure joy. To have your heart stolen and your body ache is heaven. I would not take that day back for anything in this world. You are my life, my joy, my everything.
I don't know why, but I had to write that down. This is how I feel about the man sleeping beside me. I hope that every person in the world could find a love like mine. My old dreams may be gone, but they have been replaced with much better dreams. Dreams of living a life with the man who has become my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul. I wish every person that I know luck with finding their future dreams. And to those who already have theirs, thank you for showing me how wonderful true love could be.
I have been in love with the same person for so long that I can no longer remember anyone else. There has never been anyone else. My life started and will end with this person. Thank you for giving me the love that I didn't even know was missing until you kissed me.

meaningless dribble

i have been feeling down most days. i dont even care if i spelled the title for the post right and i am not going to put anything in upper case letters. i feel like i both have alot to say and nothing to say at the same time. my last post was just because i had to say something about losing a friend. it hurt me that my long time friend could not talk to me. instead they just cut me off. i have been told that i am a good person and the good friends that i do have i have had for a very long time. i dont know how to deal with having someone tell me that i do more harm then good. i just try. if i do something wrong why cant people talk to me. i can listen. i listen all the time. i am sure that some people will come across this blog and just think that i am some girl that likes to wine. well dont we all? i hear people wine all the time. its fine. if you dont believe that something is fair say something because if you dont then you have no reason to wine. speak people. i will try to write more and i will try to be more up beat. but trying and doing are not the same thing. no one changes overnight. i have spent most of my life trying to change and little by little i have. most of the change has been due to the people around me. i have wonderful friends and even if i just lost one that just means that i was wrong about that person. my heart still hurts and i still have to stop myself from calling and asking but i will get better. getting over is not forgetting. it is just learning to live without even if it hurts to do so. so now that i have said nothing. here is a poem. feel free to hate it. i suck at poems anyway lol.

broken hearted
loved in vain
hands empty
eyes full
tears streaming
smile gone
dark places
missing you
wasted years
secrets shared
souls lost
what now
is tomorrow here
will there be
missing me

and yes that can be a poem lol. its messy but its me. enjoy.

Tears

I will never understand why people do the things that they do or say the things that they say. I really don't believe that someone could just drop another person like their not even human. Friendships are there to share things with each other. If you don't share the good times and the bad then your not friends. There are friends that you don't share a lot with but those are different kinds of friends. I am talking about close friends. The people that are your family. I have friends that are my family but just today I found out that I didn't even have as many as I thought I did. It's hard when you have called someone family for many years but when shit goes down, they find it easier to just drop you. No words shared, no phone call. Just a cold, heartless text. When there are no feelings behind what has happened then that means that there were no feelings to begin with. You shared your life with this person for nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. You learned something. You found a truth inside the lies. Your heart may be broken, but that is just the proof that you still have one. I guess after today, I will just have to be more on guard with my heart. I know now who is there for me and who is not. And if you can't handle being my friend, then I don't need you. My life will be better now. It will take time to fill back up the hole in my heart, but at least I know that I will be whole again. Do you?
Always talk to people. Always give a reason for what you do. People get hurt when you don't. If your heartless then that's fine, but I have a heart. I love all my friends and my family. Trust that I will never leave you to wonder why. Mostly because, I will never leave you. Hugs and kisses to all. Even though I know that there is only friend that follows me. lol. Extra hug for you Sister Kiki!!

The song that I feel like today

Lots of people think of their lives as a soundtrack. Theres a song for every moment. My song today comes from the Glee cast. I know that is very 'teen' of me but some peoples taste in music doesnt grow up. Enjoy!

"What have I done?
I wish I could run away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
To get it right

Can I start again?
With my faith shaken, 'cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
I'll send out a wish and I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh, my best intentions keep makin' a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take to get it right?
To get it right"

Just want to talk

Most of the time I never know what to say until its too late. I hate that. Sometimes its not until days later. I look up from what I'm doing and say "shit!". I had just thought of something to say to someone from days before. Most of the time I would love to be able to say something right at that moment but I am so bad with words when it is personal. When I am working I can think of a lot of things to say but thats work and its different for everyone. Most people tell me that I should think before I say anything but then they get mad when it takes me a moment. Make up your minds people. I am not a robot that can only do what you want me to do at the moment that you want me to do it. I am a person that is not good with words. If you know me at all then you know this already. I have friends that, just like everything else in life, are better at this then I am. They know who they are. That line of thought always takes me back to the fact that I dont seem to be good at anything. I can work hard and make sure that I am at work on time and sometimes I'm even good at my job but there is really nothing else. I have friends that are good at all the things that people really seem to need: like art, spelling, grammar, reading, writing, math, science, computers, history, or taking care of others. Where is my talent? Where is my "thing" that I should be good at? Doesnt everyone have something? It seems so. I was thinking just the other day about how I keep saying that I want to write. I have always wanted to be a writer. I read books, watch movies, and just think: Why cant I do that? I am starting to believe, something that I really never wanted to, that there are just some people in the world that have nothing. I am sure that if I brought this up with my friend that I would get an ear full but I cant help felling this way. Some people just dont understand what it fells like to have no talent. I have a big binder fill of poems that are just sitting there. I wont do anything with them. I think they all suck. Maybe someday when there is nothing left for me, I will do something with them. That day my never come but until then, I will just talk on here and hope that someone likes what I have to say. If no one does, then thats okay. I am not writing for you anyway. Nothing left. Night!

Cheer Up

Everyone has a way to cheer themselves up. Mine is not always the same. Sometimes its a movie, book, a place, or a person. This time it is music. The person I am listening to at the moment is Hilary Duff. I know that I am too old to be a fan of hers, but I just love her music. There are some songs that I don't have, but I have the movies that they are in so I will just watch the movie. Her music always makes me feel better some how. I am sure that we all have something like that. If you think about I am sure that there is just one person that you happen to watch or listen to when you are feeling down. Most of the time I find someone that is younger then me that has done soo much with their life. Its a pick up and a slap in the face at the same time. So I get cheered up and pushed down at the same time. I am never happy lol. I cant sing, dance, act, write, or anything else that anyone could think of, but these people can. I think that it is wonderful that there are people out there that have such wonderful talent and its even better that they share it with us. I am not sure what kind of point I was trying to make. I guess I just felt like talking, but there was no one to talk to. I cant start talking to my cats just yet. I am not that bad yet. A real pick me up song, if you like Hilary Duff, is "I am". Sometimes you cant find it, but if you look for it on youtube you'll find it. Now its back to looking for something to do. Good luck to everyone having a good day. Books! Movies! Music! TV Shows! Driving! Friends! Family! Go Cheer!

Current Thoughts

I spent alot of time thinking about what I would write. I do know that you don't have to know what you want to write, to write. But I have to have an idea before I can even write about my day. I am just silly like that. There has been so much going on lately that I just felt like I really couldn't put it all down. I am only doing this post right now because I really feel like I have to say something. What I am thinking right now is that I really love family. Related or not. Family is family and we all have those people that, even if their not related, we love like family. We feel each others pain and happiness. Everyone I love right now, knows that I love them. But I still feel the need to say it. I love you all and I am here for you. The older I get, the more I see the people around me change. If you don't know me then you need to know that I hate change. Family is always family and friends are always friends. If it works and feels good then it should never change. Right now there is alot going on with my family and I feel helpless. I know that me just being there for them is what they need, but I always feel like there is something that I could be doing to help. I know that theres not, that does not stop the feeling. Seeing and being apart of everything just makes me want to grab everyone I know in one big hug and tell them all that I love them. Even my (related) family. I really don't see them enough. There needs to be more hours in the day. More days in the week. More weeks in a month. And more months in a year. There is just not enough time to show every person that you love, that you love them.

My heart is heavy
My tears come easy
I am weak
But my love is true
And it is just for you

I really hope that all turns out well and I hope that everyone knows what they need to know. Big hugs and kisses to all. Please take care and love each other. You never know what tomorrow brings.

Family

Family is something that most people have and a lot of people want. Most people see family as just one thing, blood. I believe that there are different kinds of family. Just because you are related to someone does not mean that they are family. Family are (should be) people that love you and take you for who you are. Even if you happen to be related to lots of people does not mean that any of them take you for who you are. Most of the time people just tell themselves, "oh, well, we're related, so I have to help." That should not be the way. You should only have "family" around you that you care about and that care about you back. You were born into a "family", that does not make you part of it or make them have to take you in. Make a family of your own. Friends are wonderful people to have a "family" with. I my self have many friends that are my "family". I also have family that I am related too. One is no more important then the other, just different. Now a days many people have families like this. There is not a problem with it. Unless it hurts you in some way, then its bad. Now that the holidays are here, it is time to think of all your families. Send time with the ones that "you" love. Don't let others tell you who you "should" send time with. It's your choice. I, myself, am going to see everyone. That is what I do every year. I just can't leave people out. No matter what kind of "family" you have or what you "believe" in, this cold time of year is time for family. Find a family and be thankful.

Cat Rant

I have cats. I have always had cats. I do believe that they are the best pets. I love how they can take care of themselves but the they choose to let us take care of them. I have three. Two 4 year old boys and one 2 year old girl. My little girl just got fixed. Poor little thing has had to be stuck in the room with me for almost two weeks. Soon she can join her brothers and be happy again. I felt so bad when we brought her home and she didn't want to eat or drink water. All she wanted to do was sleep. I know that it is for the better that she got fixed but it doesn't stop me from feeling bad about it. I can not believe that there are people out there that would hurt such sweet animals or any animal for that matter. As humans we need to take care of the animals around us. People treat animals meant for food better then those meant as pets. How could they. Humans are the reasons that they are pets in the first place. If your not going to take care of it then don't bring it into your house. Most cats and dogs that live on the streets were at some point someones pet. What the hell people. Of course they cost money, of course you have to take care of them. If you were not ready for that then you should never have taken them home in the first place. I look at my little cats and I cry thinking of all the animals that have to be outside and uncared for just because some asshole didn't think ahead. What a dick move. Poor things go hungry, get ran over, go to the pound, or just die from the elements. The pound can not even help for long because no one helps them. How much longer will people let this go on. We need to think before we do. If you have a pet please continue to love and care for them. If you don't, please think about it. There is nothing better then taking care of something. They return the love. Even cats. Most people think that only dogs are loyal and show love but cats do too. Mine jump on me when I get home from work and fight over me for attention. They are so cute. And on cold nights, I don't even need a heater because their all on the bed curled up with me. Please love and take care of what you have. They will love you back. I hope with all my heart that someday all animals will have a home. Good night little ones. Someone in the world loves you.

Growing Pains

When I was growing up, everyone said to try my hardest, do the best I could and to always be myself. Why is it that grown ups never tell kids the truth. When you get older it doesn't matter how are you try, if your doing the best you can, and you should never be yourself. When you work for someone other then yourself, there are ways that you have to act and they decide if you are doing your best. It is so hard to give 100% everyday and still be told to give more. If they wanted a perfect person then they should just go try to make one because the people that they are looking for and that they want us to be, are not real. You can't do more then your best. And watch out if you show even the smallest sign of being able to think for yourself. No one hires a person for who they are. They want the resume. That's all. So what if you read, so what if you like movies, so what if you have family that needs you. They do not give a shit. And it's really bad if you have medical problems. They don't want someone that needs to have health care. They want someone that they never have to think of as a person. I will not let this continue to happen. I will give a 100% even if they think I'm not. And I will be myself. I read! I write! I have friends! I have family! I have Health Problems!! Nothing stops me from doing the best that I can and nothing will ever stop me from continuing to try. We are all here to take care of each other the best that we can. We are all human ( or so I would like to believe ). Be the human that you need to be. It hurts no one to be yourself ( unless your self is a serial killer, then you just need to go away ), but if you turn yourself into what they want you to be then the only one you will be hurting is yourself. I refuse!! I am who I am! Green Eggs and Ham!! lol. Loved that book. Any who................just thought that I would rant about that. We should really tell kids that it is hard out there. And we should really stop the lies about it being different from high school because it's really not. You can lose your job because some popular girls don't like you. You can end up not getting a job because of the way that you look or talk. The world is a very hard place and every day that I step out into it, I really do feel like I just went back in time to high school.